dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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