i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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