my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
