I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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