I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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