So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
