you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
