It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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