Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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