You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
