need another drink. this is the easiest way
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
