so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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