Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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