Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
