areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
