Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
