and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
