ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize