I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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