I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
