call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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