I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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