The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
