I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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