If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize