How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
