i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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