need another drink. this is the easiest way
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
