u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
