NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
