Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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