She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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