you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
