Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
