just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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