is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
