my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
