Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
