I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize