He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
