First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
