So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have aggressive nipples.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
