There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
