I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
