I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
