I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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