is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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