i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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