she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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