Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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