Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
