Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
