she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
