i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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