Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
