THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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