I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
