I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
