I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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