i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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