I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
40s are totally the cure
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize