im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
