cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
