and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize