so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
