Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
