very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
