btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize