Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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