discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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