I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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