I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
